Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Drowning
If you have a friend or know someone with a child who has a disability, developmental delay, or behavioral problems, you're probably all up to date on that child's therapies, medications, issue of the day...and you're also probably tired of listening if that's all she talks about. It probably puts a strain on your friendship- even if you never want to admit it. I am that mother. I talk about it because it's consuming my life, has consumed my life. I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it.
I am struggling. I am a mother who loves both of her children with all her heart, but feel I am failing them. Dealing with my oldest is a challenge. It's a challenge I have faced every day for the past 8 years- daycares, pediatricians, specialists, counselors, psychiatrists, schools, principals- it all starts to run together. While I searched desperately, trying to put a name on what was happening, relatives and my own husband kept telling me "there is nothing wrong", "he's fine", "he's just a boy". It's only been in the past couple of years that they have finally joined the party and name/names got stamped into the medical chart. I thought naming it would help me know how to "fix" it- it doesn't. Hell, it doesn't even help with the insurance.
My youngest is an overachiever. He's a mender, a peace-keeper. He sees when I'm sad and says, "Mom, I was so good today. Does that make you happy, Mom?" And this breaks my heart. He asks why he can't go to group therapy too. He doesn't understand, even when I try to explain it in ways I hope he can comprehend, that it's not a reward, it's not something we're letting his older brother do. He brings home perfect papers, writes stories about happy lions and makes up songs and he looks to make sure it's making me smile. So much time and attention is spent trying to help our oldest, I feel I am not providing my little guy enough of what he needs.
My husband wonders why I am so exhausted at the end of the day I fall asleep on the couch soon after the kids go to bed. He wants to spend time together, but he never seems to understand, I am drained emotionally as well as physically. The guilt and stress are 100lb weights strapped to my back and I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of an ocean and I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. Everyone needs me, every ounce of my energy goes to my family. There are plenty of times when I've stared out my patio doors and thought, I could get in the car and just drive away. But I don't, I couldn't. They need me. I resent it, and I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel I am standing in a crowded room screaming and no one hears me.
I like having a plan. I like having a goal, an end point. There is nothing more satisfying to me than identifying a problem, mapping out a plan and fixing it. But with this problem, there is no quick fix, or even a fix at all. Just a slow, plodding guessing game with hurdles that are jumped one day just to be tripped over the next. Someone told me this is not a sprint, it's a marathon. I've got miles to go, and I am so damned tired.
I am struggling. I am a mother who loves both of her children with all her heart, but feel I am failing them. Dealing with my oldest is a challenge. It's a challenge I have faced every day for the past 8 years- daycares, pediatricians, specialists, counselors, psychiatrists, schools, principals- it all starts to run together. While I searched desperately, trying to put a name on what was happening, relatives and my own husband kept telling me "there is nothing wrong", "he's fine", "he's just a boy". It's only been in the past couple of years that they have finally joined the party and name/names got stamped into the medical chart. I thought naming it would help me know how to "fix" it- it doesn't. Hell, it doesn't even help with the insurance.
My youngest is an overachiever. He's a mender, a peace-keeper. He sees when I'm sad and says, "Mom, I was so good today. Does that make you happy, Mom?" And this breaks my heart. He asks why he can't go to group therapy too. He doesn't understand, even when I try to explain it in ways I hope he can comprehend, that it's not a reward, it's not something we're letting his older brother do. He brings home perfect papers, writes stories about happy lions and makes up songs and he looks to make sure it's making me smile. So much time and attention is spent trying to help our oldest, I feel I am not providing my little guy enough of what he needs.
My husband wonders why I am so exhausted at the end of the day I fall asleep on the couch soon after the kids go to bed. He wants to spend time together, but he never seems to understand, I am drained emotionally as well as physically. The guilt and stress are 100lb weights strapped to my back and I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of an ocean and I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. Everyone needs me, every ounce of my energy goes to my family. There are plenty of times when I've stared out my patio doors and thought, I could get in the car and just drive away. But I don't, I couldn't. They need me. I resent it, and I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel I am standing in a crowded room screaming and no one hears me.
I like having a plan. I like having a goal, an end point. There is nothing more satisfying to me than identifying a problem, mapping out a plan and fixing it. But with this problem, there is no quick fix, or even a fix at all. Just a slow, plodding guessing game with hurdles that are jumped one day just to be tripped over the next. Someone told me this is not a sprint, it's a marathon. I've got miles to go, and I am so damned tired.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Happiness = No Painting
Thursday: 3 Miles Walking with Dan and Husband
2 Miles Running
Friday: 3 miles Walking
6-7 Miles Cycling
Saturday: Painting, Oh My Gawd, the Painting
2 Miles Running
Friday: 3 miles Walking
6-7 Miles Cycling
Saturday: Painting, Oh My Gawd, the Painting
I don't know what I was thinking when I let my then 5-year-old decide what color he wanted his room painted. It was his room and I honestly thought that no matter what color he picked, we could make it work. He reeeaaally wanted black (!) but he settled on "Midnight Sky" which is about as close to black as you can get. But I assured my husband that we could add glow-in-the-dark stars to the ceiling and give him a space theme. For the past 6 months, my youngest son has been sleeping in the black hole of man-caves. The color sucks all light from every source. It's even dim in the middle of a sunny afternoon. I haven't said a word about changing it, after all, it's his room and as long as he's happy, I'll happily look the other way.
We were running errands yesterday when Little Man pipes up and says, "I don't like the color of my room, can we change it?" Hallelujah! We made a beeline for Lowes and quickly selected a boy-ish green (with the pansy name "Green Tea Leaves") before he could change his mind. The husband was skeptical we could do this in a weekend- he had 16 trees to plant and landscape in the backyard. It's a 3 day weekend, I reminded him. Besides, we would help each other and get it done.
Three hours later...I had my painters tape up and the primer mixed and I was ready to go! I attempted to get started on Little Man's room, but the primer was just not sticking to the blue paint. I had stepped off the ladder and into the paint tray, cracking it down the side, and had gotten drops of white paint on his blue bedspread. I threw the roller in the pan and went out back to sulk. The Husband was almost done planting and preparing to put down landscaping tarp when he saw me with my bottom lip hanging out and my brow furrowed.
T.H. and I will never have our own show on HGTV. Home repair and remodel brings out the worst in us. Even something as simple as hanging pictures could end up being a cause for divorce- at the very least, we settle for not speaking to each other for the rest of the day. But, T.H. is a Good Guy, and Good Guys can see when a lady(albeit a bitchy one) is in distress. So he put down his shovel and helped me fix the mess I'd made.
Up at 6:45 with one stuffy kiddo and one stuffy self, T.H. and I have several hours of painting in front of us. We had plans to paint our laundry room and dining room. I think for the sake of our marriage, we'll let professionals take care of it.
We were running errands yesterday when Little Man pipes up and says, "I don't like the color of my room, can we change it?" Hallelujah! We made a beeline for Lowes and quickly selected a boy-ish green (with the pansy name "Green Tea Leaves") before he could change his mind. The husband was skeptical we could do this in a weekend- he had 16 trees to plant and landscape in the backyard. It's a 3 day weekend, I reminded him. Besides, we would help each other and get it done.
Three hours later...I had my painters tape up and the primer mixed and I was ready to go! I attempted to get started on Little Man's room, but the primer was just not sticking to the blue paint. I had stepped off the ladder and into the paint tray, cracking it down the side, and had gotten drops of white paint on his blue bedspread. I threw the roller in the pan and went out back to sulk. The Husband was almost done planting and preparing to put down landscaping tarp when he saw me with my bottom lip hanging out and my brow furrowed.
T.H. and I will never have our own show on HGTV. Home repair and remodel brings out the worst in us. Even something as simple as hanging pictures could end up being a cause for divorce- at the very least, we settle for not speaking to each other for the rest of the day. But, T.H. is a Good Guy, and Good Guys can see when a lady(albeit a bitchy one) is in distress. So he put down his shovel and helped me fix the mess I'd made.
Up at 6:45 with one stuffy kiddo and one stuffy self, T.H. and I have several hours of painting in front of us. We had plans to paint our laundry room and dining room. I think for the sake of our marriage, we'll let professionals take care of it.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Getting Back Into the Swing of It
Sunday Night: 2 Miles Running with Dan
Monday: Weights (Chest and Triceps)
3 Miles Walking with Husband and Dan
Tuesday: 2 Miles Running with Dan the Man
3 miles Walking with Husband and a very tired Dan
Wednesday: Weights (Back, Biceps, and Legs)
3 miles Walking with Husband and Dog- in the rain.
Monday: Weights (Chest and Triceps)
3 Miles Walking with Husband and Dan
Tuesday: 2 Miles Running with Dan the Man
3 miles Walking with Husband and a very tired Dan
Wednesday: Weights (Back, Biceps, and Legs)
3 miles Walking with Husband and Dog- in the rain.
I took the opportunity to go for a quick run Sunday night. I sorely needed it after the previous week. The husband was busy with the boys planting the trees we bought from Costco- 20 bucks a pop for 6 foot tall Arbor Vitaes (?)-total steal. The trees are phase 1 of Operation: Get Husband To Put in a Pool. Right now they will serve to block the unfriendly new neighbors from view while we're enjoying the backyard.
I haven't been running much lately. I was out of commission for nearly two weeks with a raging head cold and didn't have the energy to get off the couch. I needed the exercise and when I finally got Dan into his harness Sunday evening, it was long overdue. I left the guys digging holes in the back yard and headed out. I've been on many runs where it feels I could go forever. I savor the feeling of each muscle working as I run up hills and the easy stride when gliding down them (One of the few moments in life where I feel graceful). But for every good run, there's a bad one...and Sunday was bad. My legs felt like lead. Each step took tremendous effort and I wanted to stop and walk the entire time. Instead of rejuvenating me, it sapped what little energy I had left and I came through the back gate of our house tired, thirsty, and completely drained. I've been biking more, and it definitely works different muscle groups than running. After a long bike ride, I feel it more in my butt and thighs (Yea! Target area!). Those rides definitely had an impact on my run. Determined to remain unfazed, Tuesday I went out to run again. I still felt slow, heavy- but it wasn't nearly as bad as Sunday.
The plan is to get back to enjoying my runs. Once I'm back in the zone again, I can start to increase my distance. I want to keep biking. It's always good to change up your exercise routine and I think this will provide a nice break and give me a reason to get out for a bit on the weekends. I'll also be volunteering at my son's school for the next few weeks and I think I'll ride my bike instead of driving. Tomorrow is the test run...we'll see how it goes!
I haven't been running much lately. I was out of commission for nearly two weeks with a raging head cold and didn't have the energy to get off the couch. I needed the exercise and when I finally got Dan into his harness Sunday evening, it was long overdue. I left the guys digging holes in the back yard and headed out. I've been on many runs where it feels I could go forever. I savor the feeling of each muscle working as I run up hills and the easy stride when gliding down them (One of the few moments in life where I feel graceful). But for every good run, there's a bad one...and Sunday was bad. My legs felt like lead. Each step took tremendous effort and I wanted to stop and walk the entire time. Instead of rejuvenating me, it sapped what little energy I had left and I came through the back gate of our house tired, thirsty, and completely drained. I've been biking more, and it definitely works different muscle groups than running. After a long bike ride, I feel it more in my butt and thighs (Yea! Target area!). Those rides definitely had an impact on my run. Determined to remain unfazed, Tuesday I went out to run again. I still felt slow, heavy- but it wasn't nearly as bad as Sunday.
The plan is to get back to enjoying my runs. Once I'm back in the zone again, I can start to increase my distance. I want to keep biking. It's always good to change up your exercise routine and I think this will provide a nice break and give me a reason to get out for a bit on the weekends. I'll also be volunteering at my son's school for the next few weeks and I think I'll ride my bike instead of driving. Tomorrow is the test run...we'll see how it goes!
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